Jay being totally badass and sexy and Dwight just being a cute baby penguin who has no idea what the fuck is going on.

I think Kay or someone already did this but I’ll put as different of a spin as I can on it, ai’ight?


Jay was buzzed. She wasn’t drunk— well, she was, and certainly not fit to drive, but she wasn’t drunk drunk, right?

Jay was drunk. Those awful, demon children had walked up to her at the party, hands entwined, mischievous grins stretching their cheeks wide and eyes sparkling with naughty delight. Offering up a red plastic cup, sloshing with something clear and glittery and pungent and affixed with a little tag reading “drink me,” they winked.

"This, dear Jay is courage."

Liquid courage.”

"For when you want to be liquidly courageous."

"Which, we’ve noticed, you want to be."

"Don’t worry, you can stay at Windsor tonight."

"We’ll take care of you."


She sniffed it suspiciously.

"This smells like an energy drink."

"It is!"

"Among other things!"

Pressing the cup into her palm, of of the pair turned her in Dwight’s direction and the other gave her a pat on the bum.

"Run along, flower!" said Ethan.

"Courage!" said the other. Jay gulped down the sweet-tasting drink determinedly, adjusted her corset, and set off for a very lonely- and uncomfortable-looking Houston.

The crowd was thick and gyrating, Jay fighting her way slowly through the mass of sweaty bodies— by the time she stood in front of the boy her head was already reeling with the effects of the shimmering and retrospectively very sketchy fluid she’d previously ingested.

"HOUSTON." A head snapped up.

The drink had worked. Jay was drunk, but she wasn’t sloppy-drunk; her feet weren’t tripping too much, and she was stable; just a hell of a lot braver.

"I said, Houston!!" Dwight jumped up, not wanting to oppose this brazen version of Jay he’d rarely seen before.


She put her arms on his shoulders.

"Enjoying the party?"

He nodded. “Yeah.”

"Oh yeah?" He nodded a little. 

"Um, y-yeah. The music’s okay." Her hand slid down, pressed flat against his chest, and leaned her lips close.

"Want me to make it better?"

Dwight blinked.

"Like, get them to play Carry On My Wayward Son? That’d make it better.”

Frowning, Jay huffed. She was frustrated. 

"You know what I mean." Her hand slid down further against his abdomen. Dwight glanced to the side at Derek, head cocked and leering at Jay’s curves. Something weird quivered inside him. Jealousy? No. Can’t be.


No." Her thumb skimmed the waistband of his jeans, breath hot against his ear. He gulped.


"I want you naked and on top of me in exactly four minutes."

Dwight did a spit-take. 

"JAY!" Suddenly, reaching for a medallion, he smelled the alcohol on her breath. "Jay, you’re drunk, come on. We’re going back to my room."

Victory! she thought.

"So we’re going to fuck?" Crimson, Dwight helped her, now staggering, up the stairs.

"No." Jay pouted and let out a whimper.

"But you saiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiid!"

"I didn’t saaaaaay anything!” Dwight unlocked his dorm and sat her on his bed, handing her a flask of holy water. “Drink this and stay. Here." He moved to leave but she caught his arm.

"Come on, Dwight. Don’t you like me?”

"Of course I like you, Jay—" Taking this as a yes, she pulled him on top of her, wrapping a stocking-and-heeled leg around his waist. "No! Jay!" 

Dwight pushed off of her. “Stay here. I’ll drive you home later, when you’re not plastered.” Despite a whine of protest, he closed and locked the door behind him. He paused a second, and shouted through the door: “Try not to break anything!”

Back downstairs, Dwight ran his hand through his hair as he ambled up to Julian, pining over Logan, in the corner.

"Julian, help." The actor raised an eyebrow.

"I thought you thought I was a succubus."

"Exactly why I need your help. Can I talk to you? In private?"

"You’re really that desperate?" He tore his eyes from Logan. "Fine."


Up outside his dorm, Dwight pulled Julian aside. 

"There is a very beautiful, very horny, and very drunk girl inside my dorm, Julian."

He gave a sly grin.

"Go get’em!" Julian said, with a shove to the door.

Dwight paled. 

"No way."

"Why not?"

Dwight flailed at the door.

"She’s drunk!"


"It’s not consensual! That’s rape!"

Julian leaned against the door.

"Well, has she given any sign out of wine-lock that she wants to take a ride on your disco stick?" 

Dwight went pink.

"No! Ikindoflikeherbut no!”

Julian grimaced. “Can’t sort you out there, man. Try talking to her.”

"Can’t you—

He opened the door.

In the middle of the room stood a very, very naked Jay, come-hither plastered on her face, corset hanging from a bedpost.

"Hey, tiger."

He slammed the door, facing Julian’s hysterical laughter, staring straight ahead, and sliding down to sit without tearing his eyes from the wall.

Julian walked away.


  1. slenderqueer posted this